Mara’s Kitchen #8: How To Smash a Glass Bottle of Olive Oil all Over Your Kitchen And Spend the Next Three Hours Cleaning It Up!

by Mara

Welcome back to Mara’s Kitchen! Last time, I showed you How to Toast Bread in a Toaster Oven. (For those who missed it, the trick is to switch the setting from “Bake” to “Toast!”) Today, I was going to show you How to Make Cereal, but I’m switching it up a bit. Here is How To Smash a Nearly-Full Sixteen Ounce Glass Bottle of Olive Oil all Over Your Kitchen and Spend the Next Three Hours Cleaning It Up!


1. Open the cabinet and try to get a box of Special K down off the second shelf without your trusty stepladder.


2. Realize that a nearly-full sixteen ounce glass bottle of olive oil has been placed either next to, or on top of, the cereal, and watch in horror as it comes crashing down, shattering into pieces and pouring olive oil all over the countertop, floor, and your right leg.


3. Yell a swear word of your choice (don’t you love when recipes let you improvise?) at the top of your voice, causing the cat to flee from the room.


4. Pick up the bigger shards of glass. Wonder if it was your roommate who put the bottle of olive oil in such a precarious place. Realize it was probably you, and think about the careless things you’ve done in your life. You might take a moment to remember the look on your dad’s face when you broke the screen window trying to get into the house because you were fourteen and locked out and the phone was ringing and you just needed to pick it up because you just knew it was Laurel from Drama Club telling you all about how Tim from Drama Club might like her back, too, and you just had to know the details!


5. Run to your room, change out of your oil-soaked pajama shorts, and Google “olive oil spill.”


6. Your options, as revealed by the Almighty Google (do not fall under the spell of false prophets, such as Bing), are Kitty Litter and oatmeal. Get the kitty litter and pour it all over your floor.


7. Run out of Kitty Litter as soon as you have covered half of the spill.


8. Search through the cabinets for oatmeal, being careful not to knock any more glass bottles onto the floor. Realize you only have those tiny instant packets of oatmeal, but open up a few of those anyway. Scatter them around. Enjoy the aroma of maple sugar and apple cinnamon!


9. Run out of oatmeal after you have covered an additional quarter of the spill. Worry that the maple sugar and apple cinnamon will attract cockroaches.


10. Urawaza has taught you that salt can help pick up spilled egg yolk, so figure it can’t hurt, and go ahead and pour half a bottle of sea salt on the spill, too.


11. Try to sweep the congealed clumps off your floor and try not to get agitated when your 99-cent store broom keeps coming undone.


12. Get agitated anyway. Put on your “Calm” playlist.


13. By now, your broom should be covered in oil, salt, oatmeal, tiny glass pieces, and litter. Throw it away. Switch to using paper towels to pick up the clumps.


14. Wet a few paper towels with water and dishwashing liquid and try to wipe up some of the less-clumpy, but still sticky areas. Become frustrated when the “earth friendly” dishwashing liquid does absolutely nothing.


15. Run out of paper towels.


16. Go to the shower and try to wash off the olive oil. Do not succeed. Take some comfort in the fact that you heard (probably on one of those hippie DIY websites your sister’s always telling you about) that olive oil is good for your skin.


17. Go to CVS to buy more Kitty Litter, actual oatmeal, not-so-earth-friendly dishwashing liquid, and an actual broom. Try to pretend you’re not listening to “Somebody’s Crying” by Chris Isaak on your iPod. Get a very limited amount of help from the cashier, who doesn’t understand that carrying a broom nearly your height and a seven-pound bag of Kitty Litter makes self-checkout a bit difficult.


18. Walk home, using the broom to pretend you’re Gandalf.


19. Slip on the kitchen floor a little. Sprinkle oatmeal all over the floor and counter, then wait a while and sweep it up with your new, functional broom.


20. Get a bowl. Pour some milk in your bowl, pour the cereal, get a spoon, and finally eat your goddamn Special K.


Alright! You will still be slipping all over your floor for a while, but wear socks or shoes with a lot of friction and be sure to let your roommate know why the floor is so shiny. Thanks for joining us here on Mara’s Kitchen! Be sure to join us next time, when we will discover whether or not putting sour milk back in the fridge makes it taste normal again!